Playlet: Farwell to the Chef

Setting: South Park Studios, somewhere in the USA. About Noon on a sunny Monday.

Characters:
Trey Parker – Co-creator of South Park
Matt Stone – Co-creator of South Park
Isaac Hayes – Musician, voice of “Chef” character on South Park

Lights up on Trey & Matt before a story board, deep in thought. A moment passes and then there is a knock at the door. Enter Isaac Hayes.

Trey: Hey Isaac!

Matt: How’s it goin?

Isaac: Bad.

Trey: Why bad?

Isaac: Well children…

[Stops, takes a breath. Forces a weak chuckle and starts over.]

Isaac: Well fellas, I have been doing a lot of thinking and I believe its time I left the show.

Trey: What???

Matt: Why???

Isaac: [after a beat, slightly squirming] I don’t like the direction “Chef” is going. I think is just time for me to leave the show.

Matt: Huh.

Trey: Really? Is this 'cause Chef isn’t getting enough white women?

Matt: ‘Cause if it is, we can totally do that.

Trey: Yeah! Who do you think Chef should seduce next? We could totally get Lohan or Dame Judy Dench on the show. Not a problem. Judy would reprise that Elizabeth in a heartbeat, I bet. If you still really want the Bush twins on, well… we can write them in.

Isaac: No, no guys! Its not that. Though, I do wish we could have worked the Bush twins in. I am just uncomfortable with the idea of getting pigeonholed with “Chef” for the rest of my career.

[Trey & Matt look at each other…]

Trey: Is this about the Scientology episode?

Matt: Did Cruise get to you? ‘Cause if he did…that’s BULLCRAP!

Trey: We’re covered. He can’t hurt you! You’re Isaac Hayes dude! SHAFT! C’mon. Tell me you aren’t afraid of that dildo.

Isaac: Guys! GUYS! I am telling you I want out because, during the 60’s besides making love to many, many women, I worked really really hard against bigotry and intolerance. Now if you can’t understand why it is that I have to go...

Trey: Isaac... We took the Scientology courses you recommended. It REALLY wasn’t for us. We got the material we needed and did what we do. Besides, it was mostly about Tom. What we did... [loses train of though in a stoner moment]

Matt: What we did was what we do in any episode about any serious subject. We look at how stupid people really are about crap they take way too seriously. Scientology was no different other than Tom had a giant target on him for us to throw really easy lob shots at. That’s all. What did we do differently than, say, with any of the times we brought the Catholic Church into it? Or the Mormons?

Trey: Yeah! Like, you’re going to get upset over that, then why didn’t you complain about the “Virgin” Mary squirting blood out of her ass? Or the thing with the Holy Vatican Law? Variations on a theme man! Don’t be a douche.

Isaac: Listen Trey, Matt. I have said what I needed to say and... and... Oh hell! This is good gig and...

[Enter Tom Cruise, and some lawyers in a rather action-y way]

Tom: Isaac. Are you ok? Lets get you out of here. They can’t handle the truth.

Trey: [to himself, almost] Weak!

Matt: Actually Tom, that’s really funny coming from you. And, you’re much shorter in person. Wow!

[Attourneys step forward and hand Trey & Matt thick documents]

Trey: Totally weak!

Tom: You just got served! Papers. Handle that!

Isaac: [To Tom] I could’ve handled this.

Voice of Katie off stage: Tooooooooooooooooooom! Are you done yet? I’m hungry! Baby L. Ron needs ice cream!

Tom: Coming honey! [To no one in particular] Women! You can’t live with them… *sigh* Lets go Isaac. [Practically forcing Isaac out the door]

Isaac: [To Trey & Matt] I guess my people and your people will be talking. So long children!

[Tom, Lawyers and Isaac leave. Isaac and Tom are arm in arm]

Matt: Uhm... Wow!

Trey: Well... That was... uhm... Weak…?

Matt: Yeah. How do we turn it into an episode?

Trey: It’ll be easy. [beat] I hate those guys. I hate those guys so very very much.

Matt: Sweeeeet!