Playlet: Midgets, Water & Puerto Ricans

By Mrs. Bourgeois Deviant

Based on actual events.

Scene: The “R” train, Manhattan bound. Mrs. B.D. sits with 7 week old BFD happily sleeping in Baby Bjorn. They are heading to lower Manhattan to meet B.D. for lunch.

Two middle-aged men get on the train after her. One, Italian, well dressed and the other disheveled, wearing a dirty yellow fleece. We will call him DYF (dirty yellow fleece.)

DYF (to no one in particular): So my daughter is dating a midget.

[Two Latin women sitting next to me laugh nervously. Mrs. B.D. looks up to see DYF looking her. Stupidly, Mrs. B.D. takes bait.]

Mrs. B.D.: Technically its “little people.” [makes air quotes]

DYF: My daughter is 5’7”. He’s 5’5”.

Mrs. B.D.: Then he’s just short. You have to be under five feet to be a “little person.” [again making air quotes]

DYF: Whatever. He’s still a midget in my book.

[Mrs. B.D. shrugs and goes back to admiring 7-week-old BFD’s little head.]

DYF: I wonder if Fiji water is really from Fiji.

[Mrs. B.D. looks around the train to see what provoked this comment. Sees poster for Fiji water.]

DYF: I don’t like water. It’s tasteless. I like my water to have some flavor.

[Mrs. B.D. looks at his silent friend sitting next to him. He shrugs in embarrassment.]

Mrs. B.D.: It’s water. It’s not supposed to have a taste.

DYF: [oblivious] Now I like mineral water. Mineral water has some taste to it. I bet the Fiji water isn’t even from Fiji. It says its artesian water. You know artesian wells have to be at least 6,000 feet deep. Distilled water has no taste either. [Looking at Mrs. B.D.] Do you know what distillation is? It’s when they boil it. You know, I grew up drinking New York City water.

Mrs. B.D.: You’re a connoisseur of water?

DYF: Yes I am. Do you know why New York City water tastes so good? Because they pipe it in from upstate New York.

Mrs. B.D.: Mineral water doesn’t have a taste either, it’s just carbonated.

DYF: No. It has flavor. Now Russian water tastes good! You know you can buy Russian water in stores? [several beats] I hate waiting in lines. In the morning when I was at the Deli at breakfast time, I hated waiting in lines. Everyone was in line for coffee and I hated waiting so I would go up to the counter and order potato salad and chocolate milk. I figure I like potato salad and I like chocolate milk. Why not eat them together? Wherever I go I order potato salad. I know potato salad.
[to the two Latin women next to Mrs. B.D.] You know I’m a tourist today. I’m from Florida now.

Latin Woman 1: Did you go there to retire?

DYF: Yeah, sort of. A friend of mine had a condo in Clearwater, fully furnished, and I’m renting it for $650. I gave my daughter my place up here. My daughter and the midget.

Latin Woman 1: That’s nice.

DYF: You know there are a lot of Puerto Ricans in Clearwater. There are a lot of Puerto Ricans in Florida. They use to go all over the United States and New York City but now they only come to Clearwater. The only other place in New York City you can find Puerto Ricans is in the Bronx.

[A few moments go by in wonderful silence.]

DYF: Yeah, water should have a taste.

[BFD whimpers.]

[Train stops]

[Mrs. B.D. and BFD get ready to exit the train at the Whitehall Street. Stepping off the train, DYF to Mrs. B.D…]

DYF: You shouldn’t drink soda. Too much sugar. Flavored water would be better.

[Mrs. B.D. looks down at left hand holding half full Sprite Zero bottle. Contemplates throwing it at DYF's head.]

Scene.

© MBDeviant 2006